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Written by Aaron Brigatti  
Friday, 17 December 2004
Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.

A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log
hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a
CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK
WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular
bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and
embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen
police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the
urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other
poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPER before entering the bathroom.

A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
the other bathroom attendees.

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


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